I guess I never actually updated after the 2nd IVF attempt in February 2012. I was overjoyed to see two, yes TWO pink lines on March 3, 2012. I then proceeded to take 7 more tests just to make sure it was real! My first beta count was 204, then the following beta a week later was 3,113. My levels were rising and everything was looking good! I had never felt so much joy in my life!
Then, we got some bad news. The baby was measuring behind schedule and at the first ultrasound they were unable to actually see the embryo. We were so nervous and scared and prayed a lot for this little miracle baby! We had waited 5 years to be pregnant, and I just wasn't ready to let that baby go!
The following ultrasound was much better, we saw the embryo moving around and saw his/her tiny heart beating. But, the doctor was still concerned that the baby was measuring smaller than they should. With IVF, we knew EXACTLY how old the embryo was so there was no way that we miscalculated it. I remember that ultrasound like it was yesterday - Ed and I sobbed with joy and relief as we saw our little baby's heart flickering!
The next week, I went in for more blood work and an ultrasound. My levels didn't go up as much as they should have and the ultrasound showed that the baby's heart had stopped beating. There is nothing that can prepare you for that moment - nothing that can make it feel better, nothing that can prepare you for the amount of love you already have for your unborn baby! I was 8 weeks and 5 days along when I had the D&C - four days after I found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating. I had another ultrasound just to confirm the terrible news and I couldn't even look. Ed and I just stared at each other with tears streaming down our faces.
I remember feeling like I just wanted to get this whole thing over with once the doctor suggested having a D&C, but a much bigger part of me was not ready to let this baby go. I remember thinking that 8 weeks was just not long enough! I had waited 5 years to get pregnant and to only be able to be pregnant for 8 short weeks seemed so unfair! I was afraid that this was the only baby I would ever get! I cried and cried and cried!
When I went in on April 6th for the D&C, I couldn't even answer the nurses in the operating room as to why I was there...I just broke down sobbing. The nurses were great though and immediately put me under! I had some complications with the D&C and developed some infections, but the emotional healing was much harder than the physical healing.
Once that happened, our doctor suggested that we try to transfer our two remaining embryos that had been frozen from previous cycles as soon as possible. He said that I would be more fertile after a miscarriage and that the chances of it working would be better - so we prepared for this transfer and scheduled it for two months after the miscarriage.
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