A lot of tears have been shed over infertility. Tears were shed at the first doctor's appointment when we were labeled "infertile" and were told that we would need to seek out interventions to help us become parents. Tears were shed when each of the IUIs didn't work. Many many many tears were shed when the adoption fell through. Tears were shed when the first IVF didn't work. Tears of joy streamed down my face when I found out I was pregnant only to be replaced with tears of "fear" as we learned that our pregnancy might not be viable and that the baby might not make it. Tears fell down our faces almost all day every day after we found out that our little miracle's heart had stopped beating.
But now, the tears that I have are tears of hope, joy, and gratitude for the amazing people in my life, their generosity, and the prospect that our child could be out there somewhere right now, growing and developing and waiting for us! What an amazing miracle adoption is! I have always felt that Jon and Brandi (my adopted brother and sister) were meant to be ours - that before they were even conceived, God meant them to be in our family and knew what He had to do to get them there. So, each day I think about the child who will someday be "ours" and the journey that we had to take to bring him/her home. I can't wait to tell our child about all of the twists and turns that we went through and all of the people that helped to make it happen.
My biggest fear about adoption is how our child will feel about being raised by adoptive parents rather than birth parents. I never want our child to feel unwanted or abandoned. I was talking to Jon about adoption and how he thinks the baby will feel about it and his response was:
"I think the baby will feel so special that God saved them for you. I know you and Ed are going to be good parents and that baby is going to feel like God loves them so much that He picked you to be his mom" WOW - does that make you cry or what!!!!
So, from now on we are shedding tears of joy and even as I sit here writing this, the tears that I have are no longer filled with hurt, anger, frustration, and sadness!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Adoption
We decided to switch our adoption agency from Adoption Circle to Cleveland Catholic Charities because of location and cost. Adoption Circle is in Columbus and Cleveland Catholic Charities is only 30 minutes away. Plus, they cost much less than Adoption Circle.
So, we transferred our homestudy to Cleveland Catholic Charities and finalized everything yesterday. We finished our profile to show to prospective birthparents, we had our fingerprints run again, and had letters sent out to our references. Now we wait to be chosen by a birthparent - it could take a month or two years - there is no way of knowing when it will happen.
The cost is the biggest fear for us right now. Our families have been extremely supportive throughout the past 5 years and are heartbroken for us! My Aunt Kim is a nurse and has given me the shots for the IVF attempts daily and has been my medical consultant throughout the journey. She suggested that we have a fund raiser to help with the costs of adoption. My mom, sister, and the rest of my family jumped on board - and with our family, all things are possible! My family is full of "do-ers" if something needs to get done, they find a way to do it! This usually applies to helping families at church, planning weddings, or making meals for people who need help, but they are also doing a great job of helping Ed and I become parents!
So, our fundraiser is scheduled for August 26th and we are feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people who have been so generous and helpful and want to helps us on this path to parenthood! It brings me to tears (good tears:) to think about how much love and support we have received from friends and family! Wow, we are truly surrounded by amazing people!
I have been praying for the birthmom that will be or is carrying our child. I have been praying for our child daily. I have been praying that God finds a way to bring the child that we are meant to have to us. Waiting has never been something that I'm very good at, but here we are playing the waiting game again!
So, we transferred our homestudy to Cleveland Catholic Charities and finalized everything yesterday. We finished our profile to show to prospective birthparents, we had our fingerprints run again, and had letters sent out to our references. Now we wait to be chosen by a birthparent - it could take a month or two years - there is no way of knowing when it will happen.
The cost is the biggest fear for us right now. Our families have been extremely supportive throughout the past 5 years and are heartbroken for us! My Aunt Kim is a nurse and has given me the shots for the IVF attempts daily and has been my medical consultant throughout the journey. She suggested that we have a fund raiser to help with the costs of adoption. My mom, sister, and the rest of my family jumped on board - and with our family, all things are possible! My family is full of "do-ers" if something needs to get done, they find a way to do it! This usually applies to helping families at church, planning weddings, or making meals for people who need help, but they are also doing a great job of helping Ed and I become parents!
So, our fundraiser is scheduled for August 26th and we are feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people who have been so generous and helpful and want to helps us on this path to parenthood! It brings me to tears (good tears:) to think about how much love and support we have received from friends and family! Wow, we are truly surrounded by amazing people!
I have been praying for the birthmom that will be or is carrying our child. I have been praying for our child daily. I have been praying that God finds a way to bring the child that we are meant to have to us. Waiting has never been something that I'm very good at, but here we are playing the waiting game again!
Frozen Embryo Transfer
We had our frozen embryo transfer in June of 2012. The whole process is pretty interesting. They first shut down your body's control of your cycle with medication so that they can control it. Then you start progesterone injections (the worst part of the whole process) to prepare for the transfer. Then they thaw the embryos and use a tiny tube to transfer them into your uterus. You have to lay flat on your back for an hour or so afterwards and then you are free to go home. The aftercare is the same as it is for IVF - no lifting, exercise, swimming, etc. Sadly, we found out two weeks later that the FET didn't work and we scheduled an appointment to talk to the doctor about what he thought we should do next.
I will probably never forget that appointment. Ed and I went in and sat down in his office, and he explained that I have done three very invasive treatments in one year. He suggested that we take a break from treatments and give my body some time to rest. He said that we are a true case of unexplained infertility - they can't figure out exactly why we aren't able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. He also said that after a couple of years, we can try IVF again.
Ed and I absolutely felt defeated after that meeting. We had invested so much time, energy, money, and many emotions into getting pregnant, and it was all for nothing. We have nothing to show for the thousands and thousands of dollars that have been put forth for this journey!
We then decided that since we already have our homestudy done from our previous attempts to adopt, that we should turn back to adoption before our homestudy expires and revisit IVF in the future if we want to.
I will probably never forget that appointment. Ed and I went in and sat down in his office, and he explained that I have done three very invasive treatments in one year. He suggested that we take a break from treatments and give my body some time to rest. He said that we are a true case of unexplained infertility - they can't figure out exactly why we aren't able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. He also said that after a couple of years, we can try IVF again.
Ed and I absolutely felt defeated after that meeting. We had invested so much time, energy, money, and many emotions into getting pregnant, and it was all for nothing. We have nothing to show for the thousands and thousands of dollars that have been put forth for this journey!
We then decided that since we already have our homestudy done from our previous attempts to adopt, that we should turn back to adoption before our homestudy expires and revisit IVF in the future if we want to.
Pregnancy
I guess I never actually updated after the 2nd IVF attempt in February 2012. I was overjoyed to see two, yes TWO pink lines on March 3, 2012. I then proceeded to take 7 more tests just to make sure it was real! My first beta count was 204, then the following beta a week later was 3,113. My levels were rising and everything was looking good! I had never felt so much joy in my life!
Then, we got some bad news. The baby was measuring behind schedule and at the first ultrasound they were unable to actually see the embryo. We were so nervous and scared and prayed a lot for this little miracle baby! We had waited 5 years to be pregnant, and I just wasn't ready to let that baby go!
The following ultrasound was much better, we saw the embryo moving around and saw his/her tiny heart beating. But, the doctor was still concerned that the baby was measuring smaller than they should. With IVF, we knew EXACTLY how old the embryo was so there was no way that we miscalculated it. I remember that ultrasound like it was yesterday - Ed and I sobbed with joy and relief as we saw our little baby's heart flickering!
The next week, I went in for more blood work and an ultrasound. My levels didn't go up as much as they should have and the ultrasound showed that the baby's heart had stopped beating. There is nothing that can prepare you for that moment - nothing that can make it feel better, nothing that can prepare you for the amount of love you already have for your unborn baby! I was 8 weeks and 5 days along when I had the D&C - four days after I found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating. I had another ultrasound just to confirm the terrible news and I couldn't even look. Ed and I just stared at each other with tears streaming down our faces.
I remember feeling like I just wanted to get this whole thing over with once the doctor suggested having a D&C, but a much bigger part of me was not ready to let this baby go. I remember thinking that 8 weeks was just not long enough! I had waited 5 years to get pregnant and to only be able to be pregnant for 8 short weeks seemed so unfair! I was afraid that this was the only baby I would ever get! I cried and cried and cried!
When I went in on April 6th for the D&C, I couldn't even answer the nurses in the operating room as to why I was there...I just broke down sobbing. The nurses were great though and immediately put me under! I had some complications with the D&C and developed some infections, but the emotional healing was much harder than the physical healing.
Once that happened, our doctor suggested that we try to transfer our two remaining embryos that had been frozen from previous cycles as soon as possible. He said that I would be more fertile after a miscarriage and that the chances of it working would be better - so we prepared for this transfer and scheduled it for two months after the miscarriage.
Then, we got some bad news. The baby was measuring behind schedule and at the first ultrasound they were unable to actually see the embryo. We were so nervous and scared and prayed a lot for this little miracle baby! We had waited 5 years to be pregnant, and I just wasn't ready to let that baby go!
The following ultrasound was much better, we saw the embryo moving around and saw his/her tiny heart beating. But, the doctor was still concerned that the baby was measuring smaller than they should. With IVF, we knew EXACTLY how old the embryo was so there was no way that we miscalculated it. I remember that ultrasound like it was yesterday - Ed and I sobbed with joy and relief as we saw our little baby's heart flickering!
The next week, I went in for more blood work and an ultrasound. My levels didn't go up as much as they should have and the ultrasound showed that the baby's heart had stopped beating. There is nothing that can prepare you for that moment - nothing that can make it feel better, nothing that can prepare you for the amount of love you already have for your unborn baby! I was 8 weeks and 5 days along when I had the D&C - four days after I found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating. I had another ultrasound just to confirm the terrible news and I couldn't even look. Ed and I just stared at each other with tears streaming down our faces.
I remember feeling like I just wanted to get this whole thing over with once the doctor suggested having a D&C, but a much bigger part of me was not ready to let this baby go. I remember thinking that 8 weeks was just not long enough! I had waited 5 years to get pregnant and to only be able to be pregnant for 8 short weeks seemed so unfair! I was afraid that this was the only baby I would ever get! I cried and cried and cried!
When I went in on April 6th for the D&C, I couldn't even answer the nurses in the operating room as to why I was there...I just broke down sobbing. The nurses were great though and immediately put me under! I had some complications with the D&C and developed some infections, but the emotional healing was much harder than the physical healing.
Once that happened, our doctor suggested that we try to transfer our two remaining embryos that had been frozen from previous cycles as soon as possible. He said that I would be more fertile after a miscarriage and that the chances of it working would be better - so we prepared for this transfer and scheduled it for two months after the miscarriage.
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