2012

I know a lot of people reflect back on the previous year as the new year is approaching, and I figured I would do the same.  2012 has been one of the hardest, saddest, most amazing, miraculous and joyful year of my life!  2012 started with so much promise as Ed and I prepared to do our 2nd round of IVF.  I started the meds in January and we transferred two embryos in February.  On March 3rd, I found out that for the very first time, I was finally pregnant!  I was so thrilled and emotional as we had finally accomplished what we feared would only ever be a dream.

March was a very joyful and wonderful month for us, but in April, everything changed.  I lost the baby on April 6th and it was harder than I had ever imagined a miscarriage could be.  We then prepared to transfer our remaining two embryos knowing that they were our last chance.  Fertility treatments are extremely expensive and draining emotionally and we knew that we would probably not do another round of IVF for a very long time if at all.  When those two embryos didn't result in a pregnancy we were so devastated!  We felt extremely defeated and just so sad...."Why is this happening to us?" was a thought that I couldn't shake!  Especially with no diagnosis for our infertility, it was so frustrating and confusing.

We had our homestudy finished from a previous adoption that fell through and knew that if we wanted to adopt, we should start the process sooner than later so that we wouldn't need to update our homestudy and have to redo a lot of the different things that expire after you have had your homestudy for 2 years.  The biggest fear for us was the cost.  The agency that we had originally completed our homestudy through would cost an additional $22,000-$28,000 depending on the specific adoption and that was WAY more money than we could even imagine coming up.  Then we found Cleveland Catholic Charities that was much more reasonable!  I called Cleveland Catholic Charities in August and started the process of transferring my homestudy from Adoption Circle.  We made a profile with pictures of us and information about us as a family to show potential birth parents and started the adoption process.  Our homestudy was officially transferred on September 17th.  Our son was born October 13th - we didn't have to wait long at all which was amazing!!!!

When we found out that we would be parents and that our son was already born, we were just amazed at how perfectly everything had worked out!  We were so emotional and thankful that God had finally given us a child!  Milo is honestly perfect in every way and we couldn't be happier that of all of the children in the world, we were lucky enough to be chosen to be his parents!  He makes us smile each and every day and brings us so much joy!  He laughed for the first time on Friday and has the most beautiful contagious smile you could imagine!  It feels like he was always meant to be ours and that this journey was necessary to bring us to him.

So, 2012 has definitely been filled with ups and downs but it has been the best year of my life!  Welcome to our family Milo Griffin Sedmak - you have been so worth the wait!

Milo

Adjusting to life with precious Milo has been pretty easy!  He is such a sweet baby and for the most part, just likes to cuddle (which I am PERFECTLY happy with:).  He doesn't sleep well at night, but that is to be expected, and we have gone through SO much coffee!  He is absolutely the missing little link in our lives though and when he smiles, my heart just melts!

I am so touched by the amazing outpouring of love we have experienced since Milo has arrived.  We have received beautiful cards, gifts, and items to help us during this time.  I am so grateful for every single kind word, prayer, gift, and card - they mean so much to us!  Thank you thank you thank you all for everything you have done to support us!  We honestly couldn't be more grateful!

Milo was well worth the wait.  It is amazing how someone so tiny can make you feel so much love and happiness.  He is the most amazing little guy I could have ever wished for!  I still sometimes look at him and can't believe his is our son!  Ed is the most wonderful father - he is patient with him and so loving.  We share the midnight feedings and he never complains.  Seeing him with Milo is the most incredible sight...I am more in love with him now than ever before!!!!

Love at first sight

While I don't have a birth story to share...I have something so much more amazing, Milo's coming home story!

I worked on Monday, November 19th to take my mind off of the excitement! I left work and hurried home to get last minute things ready. We vacuumed and cleaned and anxiously waited for our social worker to call saying that the birth parents had signed the paperwork and that things were actually going to happen! We had been on pins and needles and just kept praying that everything was going smoothly.

Milo was supposed to arrive between 4:30 and 5, so when those times passed by without hearing from our social worker, I began to panic! When I say panic, I mean PANIC!!!! Did something go wrong? Is there a problem?

Then the social worker called saying that papers were signed and they were on their way!!! EEKKK the excitement was incredible! Milo's birth dad flew in from CA to sign the papers and wanted to be the one to hand over Milo to me. How special is that! So at about 6:15 we heard commotion outside our front door. Ed answered the door and Milo's birth grandfather was standing there holding a beautifully wrapped gift for Milo in his arms and behind him, his son was walking up our front sidewalk holding this tiny little bundle wrapped in a blue blanket. I immediately LOST IT! We were sobbing uncontrollably! Milo's birth dad walked through our front door and handed me Milo and it was honestly the most beautiful and perfect moment of my life!

I admire Milo's birth dad so much! For a 16 year old to fly in to do what he feels is best for his son and to want to be there when he was placed with his adoptive parents is amazing beyond understanding! His birth dad and grandfather cried seeing us with Milo. It was magical!!!

I was worried about missing the moment that he was born, but the moment we got to meet our son was far beyond the emotions that I honestly feel that I would have felt had I been there for the birth. It was years of struggle and heartache melting away. Milo has completely replaced those feelings with feelings of "it was so worth it" and love for our son! I know that he is meant to be ours, was always meant to be ours! His due date was the same due date as the baby that I lost! He is so perfectly worth every tear shed and every moment of heart ache!

So now, we are getting to know our precious son and enjoying being a mommy and daddy! We are so in love with him and looking at his face is the most amazing feeling in the world! There is so much love that we have for our son, I never knew this type of love existed! It is amazing how you can love someone so much so instantly! It was love at first sight for sure!!!
11.22.2012

Yesterday we got the call from our social worker that the birthmom that we had met on October 18th has chosen adoption for her precious son.  He has been in foster care since he was born on October 13th.  We have been chosen to adopt this sweet little baby!  I still can't believe it is happening!  We should be able to take baby Milo home very soon.

We will be having an open adoption with his parents.  They have requested that we keep his name "Milo" so we will be honoring that request.  The name we had chosen for him will now be his middle name.  So Milo Griffin it is:)

Now we just have to wait for her to actually sign the paperwork - this process could take anywhere from a week to a month.  I am filled with so many emotions that I don't even know where to start!  I am over the moon excited!  I can't wait to meet this little guy and hold him.  I can't wait to bring him home!  I want to go and bring him home so badly that it is all that I can think about - it is constantly on my mind...I wonder if he is being held and snuggled.  I hope that he is bonding with his foster mom to teach him how to bond and attach.  I have been praying for everyone that has been caring for Milo.

So, our miracle has finally arrived.  I can't wait to post more news!

Milo Griffin

It is amazing to think that tomorrow is the day that Ed and I have been praying for!  We have been waiting for over 5 years to become parents, and tomorrow is the day that our dreams will come true!

We got the call on Monday, November 12th at about 4:45 that we would be adopting baby Milo.  We were at first in disbelief and were so incredibly excited!  We found out on Wednesday that we would be getting baby Milo on November 19th, sooner than we had originally expected!  Having him home a few days before Thanksgiving is just incredible and is such a blessing!  We can't even express all of the many emotions that we are feeling right now.  We go through everything from laughing, crying, smiling, preparing, and worrying because everything is not finalized yet.

We can't wait to see his sweet face and know that all of these years of waiting, stressing, and crying are over and that we can finally move on and enjoy being parents!  It is so surreal still that our son is out there and we are just waiting for him to come home!

We love this little guy so much already and are so emotional about tomorrow.  I can't wait to have  all of us together and to know that the wait is finally over!

Update - long overdue!

I am sorry that I haven't been able to update with good news yet.  We are still waiting...and waiting...and waiting! 

We were chosen to meet with two different birthmoms so far which is great.  Our homestudy was officially transferred and finalized on September 14th - so 2 different possibilities in just over a month is amazing and hopeful. 

The first birthmom narrowed down the profiles to 2 different adoptive couples to choose from.  She decided on the other couple.  I was an absolute nervous wreck before meeting with her.  It felt like the scariest job interview ever because it was an interview to adopt a baby!  WHOA!  I learned a few things from that interview.  First, it was not scary!  She was very nice and sweet and the meeting actually went extremely well!  It took her a week longer than she had expected to make the final decision because she couldn't decide between the two different couples - she liked both of us.  Second, I never realized that the birthmoms are nervous too!  Third, I learned that I can just relax and not have to worry when meeting a birthmom. 

The second mom was amazing!  Ed and I really like her a lot!  She is undecided as to whether or not she wants to give her baby up for adoption at this point, so we are waiting for her to make that final decision.  Hopefully we will know more information soon!

Please keep praying for us and keep sending us your positive thoughts - the adoption process is very different than I thought it would be!  I never realized that there would be so many "in between" moments.  I was prepared to wait for the call...but not prepared to be in constant limbo.  I never thought that I would get a call saying that we have been chosen IF the mom decides to give the baby up for adoption - I don't know how to prepare for that emotionally - it is extremely stressful and hard!  It is hard to even talk about it or honestly even write about it because it is such a big "IF".   I also never realized how anxiously I would "stalk" my phone waiting for it to ring haha!  I am so excited to hear updates and carry my phone with me everywhere to make sure that I don't miss anything important! 

I know that each day of waiting is one less day of waiting and one day closer to meeting that precious child.  I also know (or at least try to tell myself) that we WILL be parents one day and that each day is one step closer to that magical and miraculous moment.  There are definitely many discouraging moments and moments of feeling defeated - but all of that will melt away once we hold our child one day. 

Secret donatations

I want to thank all of you that have donated to help us with the costs involved with adopting a child.  There are a few people that have generously donated anonomously and I wanted to say that I am SO VERY grateful!  About $350 have been donated "secretly" and it brings tears to my eyes when I think about how generous everyone has been!  God has certainly answered our prayers and we are feeling so blessed!  So thank you very much for helping to change our lives!

Our future child....

We are thinking and praying for our future child (and their birthmother) constantly!  I dream about the day when I will finally be able to hold him/her in my arms!  There isn't a day that passes that I am not thinking about the sweet child that will undoubtedly change our lives forever!  Especially with November approaching (my due date was November 11th), I think about how excited I was for the holidays this year and can't wait to experience that with the child that is meant to be ours - it may not happen this year but hopefully one day, our home will be filled with the pitter-patter of little feet on holidays (and everyday)!!!

I can't wait to go apple picking, to bake Christmas cookies, to go camping, to cuddle on the couch reading a book, to take long walks in the park, to attend sporting events, to take family vacations, to go sled riding, to go swimming, to go to the beach, to have picnics in the park, and to do the many many many other things that Ed and I love to do as a family! 

Fundraiser

Thank you again to all of you who came out to the fundraiser yesterday and to those who generously donated your time to put it all together, your funds, and beautiful baskets to make the fundraiser successful!  I will never forget yesterday!!!  What an amazing experience to feel so loved and to have all of our friends and family pull together for us!  Thank you so very much!!!!

My mom put the donations from the fundraiser into our Key Bank account today and the grand total is: $6,637.00 - WOW!!!!  I'm so amazed and we feel so very blessed by the generosity of our friends and family!  Words can not explain how grateful and humbled we are by this whole experience!  It was such a miracle to raise this much money in such a short amount of time and I have never been more thankful! 

Again, I wanted to thank my mom, my sister Jessica, my Aunt Kim, and all of my family and friends who worked so hard to put this event together!  The bake sale was a HUGE success (thank you so much to Jen, Laetitia, and Kate you are AMAZING bakers:), the baskets were so generous (thank you to Jeremy, Mr. Modic, Shannon, Courtney, Becky, Aunt Kim, Lisa, Monica, Adrienne, and all of my other family members and friends for all of the hard work you put into the baskets!!!  They were all beautiful and so appreciated).  The set up crew was incredible - thank you to Uncle Dave, Kenny, Uncle Kenny, and Jason!  Thank you to Adrienne, Kate, Laetitia, Aunt Karen, Aunt Kim, mom, Aunt Shelley, Jess, Kathy, Linda, and anyone else that I may be forgetting for working all day to make sure that things ran smoothly and for your generosity - you are the best!  Steve and Liz (and of course my handsome nephew:) - thank you so much for flying in to be a part of this special day - it means so much to us!!!

Thank you again to everyone for your help and generosity!  We can't wait to post good "baby news"!!! 

Surreal

It has started to really sink in that we may just be able to finally become parents.  I realized it the other day when I asked poor Ed to get all of the baby stuff out of storage so that I could see what we had and figure out what we needed.  As I was going through the bins, I realized that we have almost everything that we will need for this future child of ours.  So many of our friends and family generously gave us gifts at the baby showers that we had a year and a half ago...we even found the thank you notes filled out and addressed, ready to be mailed out....those were the hardest things to find - they were all written from "Ed, Angie, and Gavin" so I wasn't able to bring myself to either send them out or rewrite them under the circumstances that we were in. 

On a much happier note, this was the first time that looking at the baby items didn't evoke negative feelings...I was actually excited to go through the adorable items that we have!  I see them now as items that are waiting to be used by this little miracle that will one day enter our lives rather than being "Gavin's things".  I don't know if that makes sense, but my Aunt Kelly said it perfectly when she said that my heart has healed.  I think that is true...it has healed!

It is so surreal to me that we may be able to finally use these adorable baby items!  I looked at the baby carrier/car seat that we have and started to cry thinking about actually being able to put a baby into it!  It is amazing to me that this is really happening, that we are just waiting for that miraculous phone call as I like to call it - a phone call that will either let us know that we have been chosen by a birthmom or that we have a child waiting for us!  WOW - that is the most amazing thought! 

As our fundraiser draws closer and closer, I am constantly thinking about how blessed we are to be surrounded by so much love and support!  We couldn't do it without our friends and family and I am amazed by the amount of people willing to help us - it is touching, heart warming, and I am overwhelmed by an emotion that I don't even know how to put into words....  I guess it is like this:

How do you say thank you to a stranger who has generously donated their hard earned money so that we can become parents?
How do you say thank you to your family for all of the hard work, time, money, and effort that they have been putting forth to make this event happen and help you adopt a child?
How do you thank someone for praying for you, thinking of you, and encouraging you through this journey?
How do you thank your friends, family and even people that we don't know for giving up their time and donating money to attend a fundraiser to make our dreams come true?

I don't know the answer to that and I don't know that anyone could ever understand how deeply touched we both are by the support that we have received and the love that has been shown towards us.  I do know that we couldn't do it without all of these wonderful people.  Thank you for caring about us, for loving us, for your generosity, for your kindness, and for helping us accomplish something that has seemed so impossible up until now! 

Adoption

Ed and I are speechless and can't even begin to express our gratitude towards all of the amazing support and generosity that we have been shown since my family started organizing a fundraiser for us!  I have been feeling so incredibly blessed by the wonderful comments, feedback, and e-mails that I have received, and am thankful for our family and friends and even people we have never met who have touched our lives.

In June, I was at my goddaughter's birthday party talking to her grandparents about the "next step".  While going through fertility treatments, the "next step" is always in mind.  I started to cry and told her that I don't know that there IS a next step.  We had been through so much and were drained emotionally and financially!  I told her that we would need $10,000 for another round of IVF, or about $20,000 for adoption and that neither of those would be possible without a miracle.  

Once my doctor told us that IVF was not an option we started praying and talking about adoption and knew that the biggest hurdle was the amount of money that we would need to adopt.  We were blessed to find an agency that is much cheaper than our previous agency, but there are still costs involved.  With the fundraiser underway and so many people expressing their willingness to help, I wanted to make sure that I explained exactly how we will use the money towards adoption costs before the fundraiser:

Upon placement (when they place that miracle child into our arms to take home:) we need to hand over a check for $7,000 for what is called a "placement fee".

The birthmother is also entitled to $3,000 for "living expenses" which include things like rent payments, car payments, and other bills that the agency pays directly.  We have to give the agency the money and they distribute it. 

6 months after the baby is placed into our home, we have to go to court to finalize the adoption.  At this time, we owe the adoption agency the remaining balance of $5,000 for the finalization fees.

These are the basic fees for adoption.  Once we spoke with our social worker to get all of the information that we would need to proceed with the adoption process, we were informed that if there are complications at birth, if the birthmom doesn't have insurance, if there are any other fees for things that aren't covered by her insurance, or there are extra court fees due to paternity testing or other complications with the process, we are responsible for those expenses as well.  The adoption agency told us to plan on saving up an additional $6,000 to cover any "unscheduled fees" and other costs because it is extremely rare (usually only with an identified adoption if at all) to have an adoption that does not require extra unscheduled fees to be paid. 

On top of that, with an adoption, I am not allowed to work for 6 weeks.  This is to help adoptive mothers bond with their infant.  While this is amazing and I am looking forward to every single second of those 6 weeks, my work does not offer a paid maternity leave for a mother who is adopting.  If I was having a baby, I would be able to take a paid maternity leave because I would be considered "disabled" and unable to work (thus being able to use my saved sick time) because I just gave birth to a baby and I would also be able to get supplemental income with my Aflac benefits.  But, because this is an adoption, I will be unable to collect from either of those options and will be taking an unpaid leave which is hard because we rely heavily on my income to pay our bills. The other challenge is saving for adoption at the same time we are saving for a maternity leave.  It is also crazy because it could literally happen at any time - there may be a lot of time to save or very little time before the baby comes which can be a bit scary.  Most people have at least 7-8 months to prepare and they usually can predict when the baby will be coming (or at least to a certain extent) but with adoption they could literally call me any day now and tell me to come pick up our baby!  WHOA!  

Thankfully, Ed works for Progressive and they have a partial reimbursement program for adoptions. They will reimburse certain fees that are paid during the process. The hardest part about the reimbursement is that you can not apply for it until the adoption is finalized which is 6 months after you bring the baby home.  We are thankful beyond belief for this amazing benefit!

All of the money that is raised for the adoption will go towards the adoption process.  We have a separate account set up specifically for adoption funds and it is even in a different bank than our regular checking account.  If there is any money that is left over after the adoption is complete, it will remain in the Key Bank account and will be used one day to expand our family further and will help with future adoption costs.  The reimbursement money from Progressive will be used to cover any lingering costs and bills from the adoption process and my unpaid maternity leave. 

I just wanted to make sure that I was upfront and honest about all of the fees and costs associated with this process so that everyone knows how we will be using the money and where it will be going.  We are so thankful that many of you reading this blog have been touched by our story and the amount of love that we have felt has been overwhelming.  I don't think I ever expected the feedback that we have received and I feel like our miracle is happening!  Thank you for caring about us and for all of the positive thoughts and prayers that you are sending our way as we prepare for this little one who will one day be entering our lives:)

Tears

A lot of tears have been shed over infertility.  Tears were shed at the first doctor's appointment when we were labeled "infertile" and were told that we would need to seek out interventions to help us become parents.  Tears were shed when each of the IUIs didn't work.  Many many many tears were shed when the adoption fell through.  Tears were shed when the first IVF didn't work.  Tears of joy streamed down my face when I found out I was pregnant only to be replaced with tears of "fear" as we learned that our pregnancy might not be viable and that the baby might not make it.  Tears fell down our faces almost all day every day after we found out that our little miracle's heart had stopped beating.

 But now, the tears that I have are tears of hope, joy, and gratitude for the amazing people in my life, their generosity, and the prospect that our child could be out there somewhere right now, growing and developing and waiting for us!  What an amazing miracle adoption is!  I have always felt that Jon and Brandi (my adopted brother and sister) were meant to be ours - that before they were even conceived, God meant them to be in our family and knew what He had to do to get them there.  So, each day I think about the child who will someday be "ours" and the journey that we had to take to bring him/her home.  I can't wait to tell our child about all of the twists and turns that we went through and all of the people that helped to make it happen. 

My biggest fear about adoption is how our child will feel about being raised by adoptive parents rather than birth parents.  I never want our child to feel unwanted or abandoned.  I was talking to Jon about adoption and how he thinks the baby will feel about it and his response was:
"I think the baby will feel so special that God saved them for you.  I know you and Ed are going to be good parents and that baby is going to feel like God loves them so much that He picked you to be his mom"  WOW - does that make you cry or what!!!! 

So, from now on we are shedding tears of joy and even as I sit here writing this, the tears that I have are no longer filled with hurt, anger, frustration, and sadness! 

Adoption

We decided to switch our adoption agency from Adoption Circle to Cleveland Catholic Charities because of location and cost.  Adoption Circle is in Columbus and Cleveland Catholic Charities is only 30 minutes away.  Plus, they cost much less than Adoption Circle.

So, we transferred our homestudy to Cleveland Catholic Charities and finalized everything yesterday.  We finished our profile to show to prospective birthparents, we had our fingerprints run again, and had letters sent out to our references.  Now we wait to be chosen by a birthparent - it could take a month or two years - there is no way of knowing when it will happen.

The cost is the biggest fear for us right now.  Our families have been extremely supportive throughout the past 5 years and are heartbroken for us!  My Aunt Kim is a nurse and has given me the shots for the IVF attempts daily and has been my medical consultant throughout the journey.  She suggested that we have a fund raiser to help with the costs of adoption.  My mom, sister, and the rest of my family jumped on board - and with our family, all things are possible!  My family is full of "do-ers" if something needs to get done, they find a way to do it!  This usually applies to helping families at church, planning weddings, or making meals for people who need help, but they are also doing a great job of helping Ed and I become parents!

So, our fundraiser is scheduled for August 26th and we are feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people who have been so generous and helpful and want to helps us on this path to parenthood!  It brings me to tears (good tears:) to think about how much love and support we have received from friends and family!  Wow, we are truly surrounded by amazing people!

I have been praying for the birthmom that will be or is carrying our child.  I have been praying for our child daily.  I have been praying that God finds a way to bring the child that we are meant to have to us.  Waiting has never been something that I'm very good at, but here we are playing the waiting game again!

Frozen Embryo Transfer

We had our frozen embryo transfer in June of 2012.  The whole process is pretty interesting.  They first shut down your body's control of your cycle with medication so that they can control it.  Then you start progesterone injections (the worst part of the whole process) to prepare for the transfer.  Then they thaw the embryos and use a tiny tube to transfer them into your uterus.  You have to lay flat on your back for an hour or so afterwards and then you are free to go home.  The aftercare is the same as it is for IVF - no lifting, exercise, swimming, etc.  Sadly, we found out two weeks later that the FET didn't work and we scheduled an appointment to talk to the doctor about what he thought we should do next.

I will probably never forget that appointment.  Ed and I went in and sat down in his office, and he explained that I have done three very invasive treatments in one year.  He suggested that we take a break from treatments and give my body some time to rest.  He said that we are a true case of unexplained infertility - they can't figure out exactly why we aren't able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.   He also said that after a couple of years, we can try IVF again.

Ed and I absolutely felt defeated after that meeting.  We had invested so much time, energy, money, and many emotions into getting pregnant, and it was all for nothing.  We have nothing to show for the thousands and thousands of dollars that have been put forth for this journey!

We then decided that since we already have our homestudy done from our previous attempts to adopt, that we should turn back to adoption before our homestudy expires and revisit IVF in the future if we want to. 

Pregnancy

I guess I never actually updated after the 2nd IVF attempt in February 2012.  I was overjoyed to see two, yes TWO pink lines on March 3, 2012.  I then proceeded to take 7 more tests just to make sure it was real!  My first beta count was 204, then the following beta a week later was 3,113.  My levels were rising and everything was looking good!  I had never felt so much joy in my life!

Then, we got some bad news.  The baby was measuring behind schedule and at the first ultrasound they were unable to actually see the embryo.  We were so nervous and scared and prayed a lot for this little miracle baby!  We had waited 5 years to be pregnant, and I just wasn't ready to let that baby go!

The following ultrasound was much better, we saw the embryo moving around and saw his/her tiny heart beating.  But, the doctor was still concerned that the baby was measuring smaller than they should.  With IVF, we knew EXACTLY how old the embryo was so there was no way that we miscalculated it.  I remember that ultrasound like it was yesterday - Ed and I sobbed with joy and relief as we saw our little baby's heart flickering!

The next week, I went in for more blood work and an ultrasound.  My levels didn't go up as much as they should have and the ultrasound showed that the baby's heart had stopped beating.  There is nothing that can prepare you for that moment - nothing that can make it feel better, nothing that can prepare you for the amount of love you already have for your unborn baby!  I was 8 weeks and 5 days along when I had the D&C - four days after I found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating.  I had another ultrasound just to confirm the terrible news and I couldn't even look.  Ed and I just stared at each other with tears streaming down our faces.

I remember feeling like I just wanted to get this whole thing over with once the doctor suggested having a D&C, but a much bigger part of me was not ready to let this baby go.  I remember thinking that 8 weeks was just not long enough!  I had waited 5 years to get pregnant and to only be able to be pregnant for 8 short weeks seemed so unfair!  I was afraid that this was the only baby I would ever get!  I cried and cried and cried!

When I went in on April 6th for the D&C, I couldn't even answer the nurses in the operating room as to why I was there...I just broke down sobbing.  The nurses were great though and immediately put me under!  I had some complications with the D&C and developed some infections, but the emotional healing was much harder than the physical healing.

Once that happened, our doctor suggested that we try to transfer our two remaining embryos that had been frozen from previous cycles as soon as possible.  He said that I would be more fertile after a miscarriage and that the chances of it working would be better - so we prepared for this transfer and scheduled it for two months after the miscarriage.

Almost ready for egg retrieval

I had another early morning appointment today and this one had great news for us! Yesterday it looked like we may only be able to get 4 eggs ready by the retrieval and as of this morning, it looks like we will have 9-10 eggs which is wonderful! Everything looked good and we are almost ready for the trigger. I have to go in tomorrow for another ultrasound and more blood work and then we will see if I'm ready yet! I'm super excited and can't wait to get this show on the road!

Past attempts...

We started trying to conquer infertility in 2008. I tried three months of Clomid at the end of 2008 and then moved on to a specialist. I had my first IUI (insemination) attempt in December of 2008 and then continued trying IUIs until March of 2009. At that point we decided to take a break from the medical interventions and focus on getting healthy.

We then went to a more holistic doctor who put us on a very strict diet and supplement program. The good news...we lost a ton of weight and felt amazing...the bad news - still no pregnancy. We were on this healthy diet for over a year and then made the decision to try adoption.

We had two failed adoptions in one year. The first one was during the summer of 2010. The second one was really devastating! Without rehashing the entire situation/story, the adoption fell through just days before the baby was born. We had attended every single doctors appointment, were ready and prepared for this baby, and were excitedly awaiting his arrival. When we got the news that the adoption was falling through, my entire world came crashing down. I was hurt, angry, confused, and then numb. I would wake up in the middle of the night and find that my husband was not in bed. I would find him sitting on the couch, in the dark, sobbing. He would say that he tried to hide how hard it was on him from me so that I didn't have to add that stress to how I was already feeling. It was honestly the hardest thing I have ever been through.

We decided then to try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). IVF is extremely invasive and is the highest technology available for infertile couples.  They actually stimulate the ovaries (using a series of injections that you have to give to yourself or someone has to give to you - thank you Aunt Kim:) to produce a lot of eggs.  Once the eggs are ready, you have to go into surgery to have them removed.  Once they are removed they choose a sperm to actually inject into the egg using a very tiny needle.  Once this happens, they wait to see if the egg fertilizes.  If it does, they can transfer it a few days later back into me where it will hopefully make itself comfortable and implant where it will stay and grow for 9 months!  We had our first IVF attempt in June of 2011. We were very nervous about the process and I was very scared! They were able to retrieve 9 eggs, 6 of them were mature, and only 3 fertilized.

They transferred 2 embryos and neither of them took - so we were back at square one again.

We were later informed that our final frozen embryo was not good enough to transfer and at that point, I remember feeling utterly defeated! We had tried EVERYTHING and nothing had worked.  We were drained financially and emotionally. We were exhausted. And then a small miracle happened.....we were chosen for a free round of IVF through a grant program at our hospital!

I am so grateful for the opportunity to try IVF again! We are currently in the process of trying IVF for the second time right now. I am currently on the stimulation drugs and am waiting for the retrieval. I'm hoping and praying that this will be it!

Our story

My story begins back in 2007 when I suspected that I was pregnant. My husband and I had been married the following year and weren't actively preventing a pregnancy nor actually trying yet. I took a pregnancy test and was shocked that I felt such disappointment in the negative results of that test. We weren't even trying yet and I was surprised by the tears that fell when I saw that one lonely line on the test indicating that I was not expecting. These would be the first of the many tears that would be shed throughout the journey....

I always knew I wanted to have children, there was never any doubt about that. I am the oldest of the five children in my family and have sort of "mothered" them all - often against their will:) I started babysitting at a very young age and found that working with children was my calling.

After high school, I went to college for teaching and am now a middle school teacher, a coach, and I still babysit on the weekends. I feel fulfilled and happiest when I am surrounded by little ones and know that this is my purpose in life.

I met my husband and knew right away that he was the one for me. The main trait that attracted me to him besides his beautiful smile, was his love for children. He had a little nephew (at the time only 14 months) and was absolutely in love with that little guy! He will make an amazing father one day - he is playful, fun, loving, supportive, caring, etc.

Once we got that negative pregnancy test in April of 2007, we sort of decided that it wouldn't be a bad time to start trying for a baby of our own. We were so excited to make that decision and were filled with joy at the prospect of becomming parents.

See, the problem is that no one ever prepares themselves for infertility. No one starts off trying to have a baby thinking that they will eventually go through all that we have been through. No one prepares themselves for the countless months of disappointment that we have been through. No one could ever imagine the heartache that infertility causes and how it has the ability to change you, shape you, break you - unless you are determined to rise above it and conquer it!